The stepfamily in today's culture has taken authority by pushing the traditional family aside. A single and looking person can barely avoid the stepfamily situation in America today so here are some myths to dispel and tips for surviving this new form of the American family.

The stepfamily comes in various flavors; the single woman with children who gets married, or the man with children that lives with his ex-wife or girlfriend, which are both the most common. However, there is the single woman with no children who marries a man with children that lives with his ex-wife or girlfriend, there is the single man with no children who marries a woman with children, and there is the man and woman who both have children from previous relationships.

Regardless of the situation, stepfamilies are families with ready-made problems. First, there is the issue with the ex. Is the ex a jealous ex who is also possessive about his or her children? Is the ex a decent person who sincerely desires the happiness for the new family? Or is the ex even in the picture?

Are there two exs' - one on either side - who are jealous-possessive or one who is and one who is decent? Are there other family members who favor the ex over the new spouse who may be a threat to the relationship? This is always a possibility and a nerve-racking one at that. A family member who chooses to be in cahoots with the ex is a family member best kept at a distance.

The ex situation is one that should be handled first. There has to be an understanding as to how the new spouse is going to treat the children, if it matters, and how they will treat the related spouse. Also, the ex has to give the new spouse a chance to show their responsibility toward their children. However, if the new spouse has as many issues as the ex, then there is another problem.

If the ex situation cannot be handled effectively from either the ex's side or the new spouse's perspective and neither one of them has any sense of compromise at all, then maybe the whole thing is a mistake, however, if both can come to a mutual agreement as to the children and any neutral grounds for respect at meetings, then give it a shot. Then there are the children of the new and old family.

There are many sides to this story also. The new spouse can be a really nice person and very forgiving and has a good rappore with children, but if the children are bitter and resentful, this could cause a strain on the new spouse. And if the other spouse (the parent if the children) does not understand the difference between his or her disrespectful children and the tolerance level of the new spouse, then the whole thing, again, should be reconsidered.

People should not expect everything to go right by their new spouse and their old children. They must view the situation from a broad perspective and not be influenced from outside sources, such as a jealous-possessive ex or an indifferent family member. The person must see things for what they really are. Are the children the problem or is it the new spouse?

One cannot protect the guilty because the outcome will always be negative. The first thing to do is pin-point the culprit and sit them down to a nice discussion about respect for people first off, then respect for your own decision. If that person cannot understand and does not want to comply, then more drastic measures must be taken, like ignoring their feelings and opinions because their feelings and opinions really do not matter if they are being unreasonable. What matters is how the relationship with the new spouse or old children will work out.

Another problem with stepfamilies and the children involved is a new baby, little (half) brother or sister. How will the old child take this news? How will the ex take the news? Will they accuse you of paying more attention and caring more for the new child rather than the old? Will they attempt to turn the old child against the new one, as they grow older? Or will the old child mistreat the new one?

The best remedy for this situation is to keep ex's at a permanent distance from the new baby and to draw closer to the old child as a family. If the old child does not want to draw closer it is either because of the influence from the ex or other outsiders or because you have offended them some way, form, or fashion. Take the time and discuss their feelings then. That is when their feelings really matter, when it comes to the affection they are receiving from you and the new spouse.

The following myths about stepfamilies can be stumbling blocks on the stepfamily journey.

Myth #1 - Love occurs instantly between the child and the stepparent.
Simply because you love your new partner does not mean you will automatically love his or her children; or that the children will automatically love you because their parent does. Of course, if we think about it, we recognize that establishing relationships takes time; that it does not happen overnight.

Even if we recognize the time factor involved, it is hard to accept that sometimes we are willing to have a relationship with someone who is not willing to have a relationship with us. That hurts, and when people hurt, they may become resentful and angry. That goes for new spouse, old children and exs'.

Stepfamily adjustment can be helped if we come to the relationships with our stepchildren and families with minimal, and, therefore, more realistic, expectations about how the relationships will develop. We may then be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes more time than we anticipated.

Myth #2 - Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged.
Children go through a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often respond to their children's pain with guilt. Somehow they feel they can "make it up" to them. This leads to difficulties in responding appropriately to our children's hurt and setting appropriate limits - an important part of parenting.

Myth #3 - Stepparents (mothers) are wicked.
This myth is based on the fairytales we all hear as children. Because these stories tell about stepmothers who are not kind, nice or fair, women may be confused about their roles when they become stepmothers. They are nice people, wanting to do a good job, but the world seems to have another idea about stepmothers.

This negative concept of the stepparent role impacts men and women in a very personal ways and they may be very negatively self-conscious about step parenting. Research tells us that stepparents have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

Myth #4 - Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.
People are optimistic and hopeful when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with being happy. If your hope or expectation is that once the wedding vows are spoken life will return to normal (whatever that is), you are going to be disappointed. Because stepfamilies are such complicated families, the time it takes for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop some family history that is significant, usually at least four years.

Myth #5 - Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological fathers (or mothers) withdraw.
Children will always have two biological parents, and will adjust better if they can access both. This means they need to be able to see their nonresidential parent and to think well of him or her. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is very important to the child's adjustment and emotional health, except in those rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.

It helps if the residential parent and stepparent can work toward a "parenting partnership" with all the adults involved. Sometimes this can't happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.

Myth #6 - Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier.
People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one, and a remarriage may "reactivate" unfinished grieving. These emotional issues may get played out in the new relationship with detrimental effects.

Another problem is that it can be difficult to think realistically about the person who has died. He or she exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood.

When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to the one before. When people remarry after a divorce, they are usually looking for something very different. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.

Myth #7 - Part-time stepfamilies are easier.
Relationships take time. Stepfamilies where the children only visit occasionally are hampered by the lack of time to work on relationships. If your stepchildren come every other weekend, there is less time for one-on-one time between the stepchild and stepparent, and less time for family activities. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process (stages of development), it may take the part-time stepfamily longer to move through the process.

Myth #8 - There is only one kind of family.
This is the myth that says you will be just like a first marriage (or biological) family. Today there are lots of different kinds of families, first marriage, single parent, foster, and stepfamilies to name a few. Each is valuable and has different characteristics. Just because there are two adults in the stepfamily doesn't mean that it recreates a biological family. If this is what you are hoping for, you will be frustrated when it doesn't happen.

© 2003 by AfroStaff