Today, almost half of marriages end in divorce. About one half of school-age children will live through a divorce. Forty percent of children of divorce have not seen their fathers in the past year.

Over one half have seen their parent enter a second marriage (Zensomeistry 1996). Have divorces become so common that we see it as normal and fail to look at the effects of divorce on children, especially adolescents, who are seen as bigger and stronger, leading their own lives, and not as affected by divorce as younger children?

Resiliency Versus Vulnerability

Resiliency is defined as a personal quality in adolescents that keeps them from succumbing to school failure, substance abuse, mental health problems, and juvenile delinquency, even though they are at great risk for this because of exposure to stress and adversity in life. Resilient traits help them avoid, minimize, or overcome risk factors (Werner, 1992).

Five key factors in creating resilience are:

· Social competence
· Problem-solving skills
· Autonomy/Strong sense of self
· Spiritual commitment/Stable belief system
· Sense of purpose of future
(Seligman, 1996)

Vulnerability is defined as the inability to cope with major life stresses, leading to poor choices that often result in school failure, relationship problems, promiscuity, substance abuse, mental health problems, depression, and juvenile delinquency. Adolescents may react to divorce with:

· fear of maintaining relationships
· out-of-wedlock pregnancies
· higher drop-out rates
· higher levels of stress that lead to sleeplessness, mental fatigue, day dreaming, crying, muscle weakness, physical exhaustion, lack of appetite, stomachaches, sad facial expressions, and lack of concern for personal appearance
· alcohol or substance abuse
· low self-esteem
· fear of own marriage and child-bearing years

When parents become so consumed with their own issues that there are lapses in parenting and the child is dragged into the parents' conflicts by being forced to keep secrets, choose sides, or take on parental roles, the child is likely to show adverse effects. A study by Wallerstein and Kelly of children who lived through divorce revealed the following adverse effects:

A pervasive sense of loss
One-half of the children were tearful and moody. One-third showed depressive symptoms such as sleeplessness, restlessness, and difficulty concentrating.

Anxiety
Three-quarters of the children worried that their basic needs would not be attended to. One-third feared that their mothers would abandon them. Most felt that the world had become uncertain and unpredictable. They feared being left alone. They worried about money and about their parents' emotional and physical health.

Feeling rejected
Half of the children reported feeling rejected or abandoned by one or both parents.

Loneliness
Two-thirds of the children longed for the absent father, and many were preoccupied with fantasies of reconciliation. In general, children received less attention from both parents.

Anger
One-quarter of the children studied showed symptoms of explosive rage. One-third of all children reported feeling extremely angry. For the majority, the anger was directed at the absent father.

Conflicted loyalties
Two-thirds of the parents studied competed for their children's affection and allegiance. The children walked a tightrope, afraid that enjoyment and intimacy with one parent might seem a betrayal of the other. In the same study, the researchers found that children of different ages had very different responses to separation and divorce.

Source from By Barbara Blackburn for the American School Counselor Association

© 2003 by AfroStaff