Time and time again I found myself in this same predicament. Whether through running women, or through dogging them out - I was ultimately doomed.

Something about me was constantly looking for prey. Why I was always hunting I don't know. What I do know is that through years of 'hunting' I had ultimately become a pro, and the ladies - had no idea they were being preyed upon until it was too late. It was either be eaten - or fight back with all their strength.

What made me that way? It was one relationship.

I gave my all.

She was my everything - if you can imagine that. The one I gave the most vulnerable part of any man - my heart. You know - the one who was gonna be there when everyone else laughed at my folly. I'll spare you the details - but…it didn't go as far as I thought it would. From that point on I became the predator that I spoke about earlier. A dog.

Having a 'stable' was my thing. The thrill of knowing I could have a lot of women, with no strings attached gave me a feeling of invincibility. A player. Thing is…I had female friends to 'coach' me along. I grew up without a father…so, I learned from my female cousins, aunts, grandmother, etc. what women liked - and became the epitome of a 'good guy'. Dress well? Call me Mr. GQ. Conversation?

I can talk about everything from George Washington Carver, to reciting the 23rd Psalm, to the effect Global Warming is having on the earth. I was chivalrous - and not only in the beginning. I learned that women are more attracted to the sex organ between your ears - and if that was on point - everything else is easy. Every woman I 'preyed' on thought I was perfect. You know - too good to be true.

For a long time - I was a D-O-G. Booty-calls, married women, one-night stands and in the words of the late great Rick James - "loooooove them, and leave them - that's what I used to doooo, uuuuse and abuse them… blah blah blah."

Moving along.

After a while, I began to feel there wasn't a woman I could 'really' be in love with, because - "nothing lasts forever, and what makes love the exception" - Benjamin Andre, OUTKAST.

Being a DOG became my lifestyle, and it affected the way I felt about the women I came across. I was obsessed with "notches in my belt" - if you know what I mean. Every female I came across at that point became a victim of what my ex did to me, better yet, that was my excuse.

Then it happened. A new day was dawning. I began reevaluating myself for who I was, and what I really believed in. I started to realize the effects of my actions - and began to notice I was cheating myself out of something. Someone. Someone for me. The person I was before, had changed into the person who was all about 'self'. I realized I'd become self-centered. Cold - blooded. [you know, like Dave Chapelle, when he slapped Charlie Murphy - on the one episode of The Chapelle Show…remember that? Aaaah hell, forget it.]

Back to the point. I was on a love hiatus - a sabbatical if you will, from giving a damn about women's' feelings. I used my twisted view of women who felt they were 'independent' and my ability to 'get it' to reassure me of my machismo.

Machismo: n. - A strong or exaggerated sense of masculinity stressing attributes such as physical courage, virility, domination of women, and aggressiveness. - www.dictionary.com

I had built up a wall and felt I didn't need love to validate me as a man, and damn sure didn't need a broad to make me feel complete.

That is…until she came into my life.

I met her in a club. Club Shadows. I was still on my 'sabbatical', so I took it like a grain of salt. She seemed a little different, because she had her own life. Her own friends. She didn't 'call' me that much, and barely paid any attention to me. We got to 'know' each other outside of 'physical attraction'. We began to talk more frequently. We had similar likes and dislikes…and our humor was on point. A shift in climate was on the horizon. There was something about her. A radiant glow in her smile. An innocent honesty. A creative zeal she possessed that other women I'd dealt with just didn't have. A nice, firm, round, big ole, boot - er…well let's just say we all know beauty is more than skin deep.

I began to fall in love with her and my addiction to women and DOGGYish ways were fading. I saw truth in her eyes…and felt the emotional lump in my throat when I saw her. I got a shifty feeling when I spoke with her. I no longer had the beliefs I had when I felt that, well…like I said earlier, "…nothing lasts forever…" - Benjamin Andre, OUTKAST.

I now know that at least one person on this earth has my best interest at heart and will not willingly hurt me. Regrouping from being a dog was like rehabbing from a drug - it was a slow and painful process. Now - her love is my 12 - step program and I will continue to use it to become a better man.

AJ

© August 2005 By Afromerica