I use to get irritated seeing people on television waving to mama all the time, but never waving to papa. Maybe it was because I'm a father who never knew his own father and was never able to send him the same love. But it made me remember how I sometimes wondered what the purpose of men on this earth was.

Other than seeing some sitting on milk crates talking to each during the day or other's standing on the corner. A small amount of them were able to find work, mostly around the neighborhood. So when I sat on the roof flying my pigeons, I often tried to connect the dots to why I was born, hoping my life would be worth more then most of them.

I knew anything us guys wanted to do alone was often invaded by girls. But oddly when they came around, some of the guys were suddenly at each other's throats. It seemed like no matter what we were doing that was fun at the time, it suddenly meant nothing if they showed up, although I never asked why it happened.

Maybe we wouldn't have understood anyway, because we were too young. Personally, I would have thought it was to get favor, but curiosity said it had to be another underlying reason. As I got older and seen more of the same happening, I realized black men had an unspoken desire to be accepted. And most wouldn't admit they would do anything for it.

But what I've never been able to understand is when it occurs; it suddenly became something less important. So what has caused many to have a change of heart? Other than dealing with their mother, why has so many black men avoided having any genuine relationship with black women?

Of course, I can reach on my shelf and find a book that would tell me why black men are short of most things black women are privy of. But no matter how clinical the methods may have been that contributed to his present circumstances, I would think there would have been some personal networking from black men to address this matter, to understand it's original purpose, versus expected results.

Without using statistics, I can say most black children are more familiar and have more of a relationship with their grandmother then their grandfather. In the movie "Soul Food", a story about the lives and circumstances of a black family, presentation of a grandmother as the matriarch of the family could only be included in the script, because it actually exists. And a little bit of her character could be seen in every woman in that family.

Although there has to have been a man in the life of grandma, his existence was never a factor. If this is, or will be, the accepted premise of the black family for the next 300 years or more, what would make the black male presence necessary? But more so, how have the black family improved from his absence, after the black woman gained sovereignty?

If we were dealing with extensive wars where black men were dying or faced injuries, it would be understandable. But this is an old tradition that has plagued the black family since the early 1700's. The late Senator Moynihan may have shown his concern about this many years ago, but nothing in his book suggests the real reason why it hasn't changed.

But I'll call it "averse-itis". Of course there's no such thing or word, but it's my formula for why it may still exist. But better words like reluctant, unwilling, unenthusiastic, disinclined, loath, averse, hesitant or indisposed may explain why black women wear blinders to avoid seeing its. Regardless if they mean the same thing or not, the important thing is they are built into the inherent disposition of some black women, lying dormant until they are confronted.

Should I suggest most black women fit this profile? Maybe not, but generally I know this has been at the center of controversy for generations, yet they fail to address it.

To look at any real improvements black men have made in the past 50 years, we would see only a portion that's been able to maintain any success. It would hurt me to know my brother's and sisters weren't enjoying some of the same things I do in life, especially if they make the same effort. So should I not expect the same attitude to exist amongst a people who often call themselves brothers and sisters?

I'm past my 50th birthday and I can tell you just from my personal life, black men have been removed from the important things that could have made a difference in his life. I don't remember anything about my father because I was only allowed to see him once at the age of nine. But I should have had a relationship with him, even if he was a failure, although I have no knowledge of that either.

But what in the character of black women keeps this persisting. If I continue expressing my concerns how slavery has helped to provoked this, to most women it would be nothing more than old news. But wisdom say's old news should be like reviewing history, you're suppose to learn from it. But the danger of this continuing is most young black men will most likely continue in the path of older black men, if their place in society isn't determined when their young.

The strength and backbone of any group of people is the male and when he's being substituted, there has to be conflict, or lack of responsibility, because it's unnatural. There is always some attempt to be in control. It's seen as early as toddlers and especially in young siblings. They will either fight back or cry, according to the determination or lack of on either part, and black men have lost their willingness to fight back.

Although the level of intelligence is assumed to be less amongst adult black men, similar feelings may exist within the structure of black men because of the constant onslaught from society, black women, and less reasons for them to challenge that theory.

But to prove he lives and moves under the watchful eyes of many, all you have to do is observed the lost of effort some make to avoid responsibility and accomplishing dreams. He has endured a racial and social campaign of accusations, assumptions, stereotyping, profiling, criminal infiltrations from other factions, etc, for decades.

The few who have been able to break the social bondage has to walk cautiously and follow the rules, written in fine print, if he's to sustain. Black women have always complained openly about his weaknesses or irresponsible character, yet few if any, reveal the side of women who support him, even when he's doing the best he could.

He didn't write any paragraphs in the book of great America, because his inclusion would have shown the real side of America's transgressions. They live their lives not by their own trial and error, but by the intentions of those who wanted to keep him subservient.

Statistically, black women have become more educated and occupy more positions of approval in the last 20 years over black men. Why? Is it because they're smarter or because of opportunity?

Black women, for generations, have been granted opportunity to pursue their dreams above black men. This leaves them to settle for what's left, or fall from the cart of life, still looking and hoping things will change. Built into the character of these women, there's a narcissistic attitude to never be concerned about anything that would help to redirect the black man's life. But the anger that forms in the character of these men often spill out onto mostly black communities, without concern for who will suffer.

Even looking at the hip-hop community, you can see anger, deception, confusion and abstract dialogue that try to separate themselves from anything that would be considered the norm. Their attitude against black women has been noted, even challenged, yet it hasn't changed much, only because they set their own standards.

Being in a position to set their own destiny, the female has become nothing more than an object for his pleasure. Strange, when black women feel they are allegedly being abused, especially today in rap lyrics, they will pounce on it immediately. But these same women forget these are the sons, brothers, and fathers they have avoided caring for or including in their rise to the top.

In theory, if black women continue to follow the same path, it may be better for them to find some way to inseminate themselves, so the lack of black fathers will continue to not mean a thing. Although man is trying to find ways to create life without including man or Woman. Until they screw that up, we must rely on God's methods. So no where is it set in stone that women should be the primary parent in the life of children.

Only woman, along with condescending males, have determined that she should be. Unfortunately, it's been to the detriment of black children, who have lost most of what other races of children have.

Often as we get older or when we are involved less in the lives of those we've affected, we will remember many of the transgressions we've placed upon them, for personal reasons. Unfortunately, most reasons will be as vague as when we'll die.

© May 2004 By Thomas Duffy
Afromerica staff writer

Brother Thomas Duffy will be keeping the Black community updated on the most current Black expereinces effecting our lives. Visit regularly for new information that could help you overcome and make the best of your everyday experiences.

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