Despite my many difficulties and shortcomings in relationships. I was always taught to treat others the way I want to be treated, being raised in a single-parent home by a black woman. I always marveled at how my mother made ends meet.

This appreciation helped me see how beautifully strong black women are. Although not militant, my mother once told me to "stick with a sister, because our sisters need support". Though I was never perfect, I always remember being a "flowers/card and dinner" type of guy-sadly for me this "NICE GUY" persona didn't matter to many women back then. Since high school, I've been a romantic. Maybe I was hopeless, but my penny didn't have a hole in it, well, not until recently. (I'll get into that later).

The only thing I ever wanted out of a relationship was understanding, communication, cooperation, and appreciation. Maybe that's still asking for too much nowadays, but although was never perfect I rarely asked a sista for anything that I wouldn't myself provide.

Soon after graduating from Southern University in the summer of 1994, I met and became involved with a sista named Tamika. Although or maybe because she had a boyfriend who went to college out of state, her status didn't concern me. Even though my mom had emphasized the importance of respecting sistas until meeting this one, I certainly wasn't an angel. My 'game' was to hold a romantic stance with sisters I liked, but do whatever to and with those I didn't like as much.

I guess years of frustration from pats on the back to sibling type of relationships with sistas, not to mention the ambiance of going to a black college with the abundance of sistas, had dulled my sensibilities and original romantic naiveté towards women.

Anyway, when Tamika initially told me about her boyfriend, I went into 'playa-hate' role, telling her he was probably unfaithful, so why should she be. She later claimed she started disliking me after that. To no avail I chased her until the end of the year, eventually got fed up, and moved back to California with my mom and step dad. I vowed to never to get involved with someone already involved.

Shortly after that, I self published my first book of poetry and began to tour. While I didn't think I would get rich I mistakenly thought my poetry would at least pay some of the bills. But after not being able to secure steady work I had a major fight with my stepfather and left California moving back to my birthplace Kansas City, Missouri to live with my brother Damon.

During my time back in Kansas City I suspect that being broke and all the barbeque and soul food I consumed had hindered my love/dating life, because I didn't get much play there. About a year and a half later I returned to Baton Rouge. Tamika and I hooked back up and became friends.

She told me that now she was truly single but I told her I already had a younger sister, and this time around I wasn't trying to be her big brother or male "girlfriend" because sometimes "nice guys" like myself get misinterpreted as a hug a month or a shoulder to cry on friend, but never anything more. I didn't want to get involved initially, but gradually as we spent more time together, feelings grew.

Tamika soon told me how her ex-boyfriend lied, cheated and had a child with someone else, while he was away at college, although she and him were still supposed to be a couple. Although I didn't want to rub it in, I thought to myself, "I told you so".

She went on to say how she cried for so long and I could tell she had gone into a type of shell. Even though I felt terribly bad for her, I started thinking perhaps this time around I would have a full-fledged chance with her. No playing second fiddle to anyone being in the way. I mean you'd think an ex (even your first love) who'd lied, cheated and had a child with someone else would make a sister run for the hills, especially a self-proclaimed " independent woman", right?

I was still cautious, so I asked if she still had feelings for him. She said, "yes", because he was her first real boyfriend; but after two years of separation, efforts at rebuilding her life, sporadic, inconsistent, and taunting phone calls that amounted to broken promises from him. She said she was moving on. In her words, "I had a life before him, I'll have one after him."

So I threw my caution to the wind and we started to date. A few months later, into our "relationship", and I use that word very loosely, he called and asked her to come to his graduation. After "joking" that she was regressing, I started having serious doubts. A few weeks after she went to his graduation she admitted that they kissed and she was still in love with him…

Did I mention that I way a faithful, dependable, bring flowers-to-her-job, reading-and-writing-poetry, surprise, support, make and take-to-dinner- as much as I could kind of guy? Not that it mattered. I certainly had my chances to be a player, but in the course of our relationship err, I mean 'interactions', I felt I truly evolved and I didn't want to put her through what she has already experienced. I guess that's one of our golden virtues as "nice guys".

Once her true feelings came out, I cut if off because I felt she had not only deceived me but herself as well. I was so starved for connection at that point that in my haze of denial thinly veiled as love, deluded me into rationalizing her treatment of me that seemed to deteriorate the more they talked on the telephone and the closer his graduation got.

Although I was on my way out of Lousy-ana to pursue better employment opportunities in New York, at that point the Tamika experience had cemented in my mind that like California and Missouri, I needed a woman from elsewhere maybe even as far east as New York City.

------------------------------

Prologue to 'Dating Games'
-A BROTHA SPEAKS UP -The Book

Realization

I mistakenly thought the moment would or had come before this, apparently not, for there was no denying the reality that was slowly embracing my entire essence. Without the pomp or circumstance, no clouds aligned in any immaculate way nor had the sun shone or beamed on this particular day.

I wouldn't call this moment an epiphany, or mere feeling, not even an emotion. It was more like a sense of being; a sense of knowing, that all was as it should be. Even though I only had eight dollars in my pocket and wouldn't be paid for another ten days. Even though I had other past due bills accumulating, Even though I was tired of being single, overworked, underpaid, undervalued and unappreciated. I knew all was as it should be; yet things were about to radically change.

At that moment all that the world had taught me about myself, my 'reality' and my truth were revealed as nothing but lies. Physically I was still on earth but spiritually I was elsewhere, soaring, roaring and exploring. For once it didn't matter if that beautiful sista spoke, made eye contact or even acknowledged my presence, nor did it matter who was in the White House, City Hall or even signing my paycheck.

I couldn't care less if the secretary at the job said I was negative earlier in the day or my ex never apologized for abandoning our 'dream' relationship. In that moment worry, doubt, fear, anger and frustration had left my body, my spirit, my thoughts, and in fact my entire being, as a knowing began to replace it.

It didn't matter that on this unnecessarily crowded D train, some man's bag was poking me in the ribs or that the teenagers who just entered this subway car were loud and obnoxious. At that moment I had no desire for food, drink, sex or any other external substance or escape. At that moment I knew I could and would change the world.

I knew my thoughts would move mountains and plant seeds. I knew all things were possible to and through me. I knew I was and would become all I was created to be. I knew that I was a father, son, and Holy Spirit. I knew I had been sent to fulfill a promise. I knew I was being watched and guided. I knew this life wasn't only for or about me. In that moment I remembered the sweat, blood, sacrifice and even death of others just to put me in the place where I was. I knew they were watching and smiling.

I could sense and feel bodies rising from the sea and unraveling from ropes tied to trees. I could hear unopened bottles of whiskey and malt liquor dropping and shattering and scattering on the streets. I could see cigarettes, staying in their packs inside of discarded, seared and burning cartons that.

Fried food joints going out of business, red meat out of style. Salt, flour, cocaine and all deadly things white disappeared. Even marijuana no longer rationalized, or justified, as all eyes could clearly see. Truth replaced lies, and fronting to ceased to exist.

With the world I was no longer angry as I saw it for the illusion it was. Reality had become naked to the eye. As I breathed in, I knew that trust, love and heaven were all around, and that previous mistakes were not indicative of who I was but where I was.

At that very moment I felt life loving me and up until that moment I had feared it and not death for I was living death, scared to speak to my piece, her piece, his piece, your piece and our piece. It no longer mattered how I looked or how he or she reacted to me.

I knew I couldn't and wouldn't die. I was man no longer but soul and spirit merely having human experiences. I had moved beyond space, place and time. Indeed, poetically I had moved even beyond structure and even the restrictions of a rhyme. I knew dad, grandma, and grandpa were near. I was love, and was loved and it was here.

There were no more fake smiles, no more false tears or fears, no defenses, or no need for forgiveness for there was no sin. I knew in that moment I had indeed arisen. In that moment I realized that I had become my truth and must tell our truth.

I realized in that moment I was with the sun, moon, stars, rivers, valleys, streams, barefoot on the grass, and beyond mere dreams. Man, woman and universe had become one. At that moment my life indeed had begun.

© July 2005 By Sumumba Sobukwe

Brother Sumumba Sobukwe will be keeping the Black community updated on the state of Black relationships. Visit his advice column regularly for new information that could help you overcome and understand the other side.

To subscribe to Sobukwe's column join the Afromerica email list to receive new information as it is updated. Or E-mail Sobukwe at: themaat.series@verizon.net

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