I'll be honest, sometimes I cannot believe I'm still celibate. I've certainly had my opportunities to do the 'wrong' thing, and I've actually recently had a few good offers swing my way. Maybe I'm getting old, maybe I'm getting wiser, in any case, I'm actually ok where I am without sex, most of the time at least.

Although I do find myself to be a bit cynical about being in a loving relationship, I know the alternative is being involved in one, which is absent of love, perhaps mixed with casual sex and a bit of drama. It would also probably have some controlling elements within it and be one where I'm not as happy as I have been in my 'singlehood'.

This year has been a relatively peaceful one when it comes to the drama of relationships and even when I got curious about reentering the dating world and peeked to see what's out there, I've realized that nothing has changed and sadly many dating games are still being played, full force.

Still I know it's going to be hard to sustain my celibacy while living in New York City where from the toes up, body parts tend to go bare especially now that it is summer, it seems even easier than usual to be in a sexual or part-time relationship rather than a real and healthy one.

A couple of years ago I remember having this really educated but mixed signal giving sista, who lived a few blocks away, call nearly Friday or Sunday night trying to invite me over to her crib. What kept me away was her otherwise boorish behavior, not to mention her secrets and prissiness.

Although that was a relatively easy access and potentially ready made sexual encounter, it is nothing compared to the internet, where I've had several more recent offers from sistas in Connecticut, Maryland and upstate New York all of whom offered to give a brotha 'an extended visit' during their planned trips to Uptown Gotham.

A few years ago I wouldn't have been as hesitant to just jump into bed with a woman but after taking and passing my last HIV test last year, I don't think even if I got a 'good' offer I would go for it at this point. Still, the temptations have grown I must admit, and after attending both the John Legend and Cassandra Wilson concerts in Central Park I was reminded of how many beautiful sistas are right here in this fine town of ours, many of whom apparently share some of my musical and artistic sensibilities.

Therefore, my eyes aren't completely closed. However, right now with my columns, website, workshops, and searching for gigs it is not very easy to date, even with all the free events that traditionally happen in the summer here.

I must admit that part of me still holds out hope of meeting 'Michelle' who has been in recent contact with me. I'm not saying a meeting is imminent but something within me says it might finally be happening soon, but who knows.

In the meantime, I do enjoy spending time with friends and I even have female friends with whom I actually enjoy non-sexual relations. A few years ago, I would have never guessed I could experience a woman as completely yet in non-sexual ways as I do today.

Maybe within that I've found a certain freedom that makes my celibacy a bit easier.

Next column entry: Wednesday July 6, 2005-What was I thinking? (The Annoying and Shallow sista)

© July 2005 By Sumumba Sobukwe

Brother Sumumba Sobukwe will be keeping the Black community updated on the state of Black relationships. Visit his advice column regularly for new information that could help you overcome and understand the other side.

To subscribe to Sobukwe's column join the Afromerica email list to receive new information as it is updated. Or E-mail Sobukwe at: themaat.series@verizon.net

Submit an article
Join the Mailing List
Join a Discussion

Afromerica: Where its all Black & white and some gray areas.

[TOP]     [BACK TO COLUMN]