The O'Jays had a song back in the '70's called Love Train. It went, "People all over the world, join hands. Start a love train, love train…" I am calling for all men in America to start a love train, a love train that will carry our children and ourselves out of the darkness of loathing and into the light of true love. As you read the following, I hope you will be moved to get on board this new love train that is moving albeit ever so slowly at present, but I believe will soon gather a full head of steam.

I recently wrote an article about fathers and children, and how current laws widely discriminate against fathers in divorce and custody cases. In this article I want to expand on this argument as I attempt to pull back even more of the veil that covers the unfairness surrounding fathers and their children. I want to state clearly that much of my thoughts and feelings on this issue do come from personal experiences a few years back that helped open my eyes to the truth about the current state of affairs.

There is a new case pending in the U.S. District Court in Michigan, which has been dubbed Roe vs. Wade…For Men. You may have seen the episode of the Dr. Phil Show or other news reports on this case, and you can read more about the case at the National Center for Men (www.nationalcenterformen.org), and get statistics on parenting and a list of laws as they apply to either parent from the National Center for Men's Voluntary Fatherhood Project (www.nas.org/c4m).

The plaintiff in the case is a 25-year-old man by the name of Matt Dubay who fathered a child, unwittingly, with a young woman whom he claims swore to him that she could not get pregnant. Of course, she did get pregnant and upon the birth the baby proceeded to file for child support payments from him for their daughter. He maintains that not only did she lie to him about her ability to get pregnant, but that he told her before the pregnancy that he did not want any children under any circumstances.

OK, there are two questions that must be answered that will help resolve this dilemma: First, does this man have equal protection under the law? Second, should he have equal protection under the law? Before these questions can be answered properly, there needs to be a few clarifications:

1. If the mother decided that she did not want to be a mother she could, under full protection of the law from intervention by anyone including the father, seek and obtain an abortion. Further, she could, again as provided in both federal and state law, surrender the child for adoption. In either case, the father has no ability to challenge the mother's choice.

2. The last option available to the mother is to keep the child and demand child support of the father, regardless of the father's desires. Whether or not he wants to be a father is totally irrelevant.

Here's another bit of information you may find interesting. Texas is now considering a law that will release non-biological fathers from child support obligations. As the law stands now, non-biological fathers can be held responsible to pay child support, based on the man's willingness to sign the birth certificate and/or accept responsibility of the child. Yet if the relationship between the man and woman fails, the man is still seen in the eyes of the court as responsible for the child's financial welfare.

Once in this situation, it literally takes an act of Congress to be released from the obligation. And, women's rights organizations are fighting to keep this law from passing, claiming that the rights and needs of the child outweigh the father's right, who is not really the father at all, to be free from financial obligation to a child that is not his. At this point, this new legislation does not have much support and is likely to not be passed.

This sad, sad state of affairs for fathers and their children is the result of decades of discrimination practiced by the courts in favor of the mothers to the detriment of both fathers and children. To think that it is in the child's best interest that a mother can abort an unborn child, surrender a new born child for adoption, or drag an unwilling and soon-to-be embittered father into court and force him to pay child support, while at the same time refusing said father of any rights or say so over said fetus/child is the height of hypocrisy.

For the sake of the child both parents must have equal rights and access to the child under the law. What exists now is a replica of the Master - Slave relationship. The master has the law and public opinion on her side, and the slave has the obligation to be a good slave on his. The slave is and always will be powerless and derives only token authority from the good graces of the master. And the master lords over the slave, keeping him subjected and humiliated.

So stands the law today in regards to fathers. Women have full power over their reproductive rights and their bodies backed up by the full force of the U.S. and state Constitutions, while fathers have no rights over their reproductive abilities at all. It's as if once the sperm leaves the man's penis he forfeits all authority over them and what they may produce. As if?! That's exactly what happens. Imagine that a man is held responsible if his DNA proves to be present in a rape case, or in a paternity suit, yet he has absolutely no say over any baby his sperm may help to produce. Slave and master. Slaves are told to be good slaves (like in the Bible) and obey their masters in all things.

Men must be made equal under the law in respect to reproduction and their children. It is the only way men can rise above the marginalized status they now occupy. It is the only way for children to have real protection against the abuses of their mothers, their mother's boyfriends, and the courts.

Roe vs. Wade 2006 is a must win for men. We must have the same rights with the same protections as women. I know many women out there say that men should not have the same protections because it will interfere with the woman's and child's rights, but that is not true. It will balance things out - bring balance to the law, equity to the family, and most of all fairness and justice to the children.

It is this imbalance that contributes to the high number of divorces in America, the high levels of absentee fathers, and the high levels of abuse among children. I've said it before but it bears repeating. More children are abused while in the custody of the mother than in the custody of the father. They suffer these abuses at the hands of momma's boyfriend or their stepfather. If you don't believe me, go check with your local police department or the local child protective services (CPS) agency! However, the cases we hear most often are those horrible cases of mistreatment or murder by the father splashed across the newspaper headlines and the evening newscasts. But these are the exception not the rule.

CPS gives women chance after chance to leave an abusive boyfriend or husband who has been beating or molesting her kids. These incidents are recorded in the files of every CPS office across the country! It is well known that any man who seeks custody of his children has to prove the mother is "unfit", while the mother does not have to prove the same standard about the father. But there is no real, concrete standard by which to judge what "unfit" means. It is left up to the judge's discretion to "interpret" the argumentative facts presented by the attorney.

Women find consolation in the fact that they can get back at their husbands in court by taking the house, the car, the children and the dog, and knowing that their friend the judge will make the man pay for it all, to include her attorney's fees. Women take it further by manipulating the court order according to their whims. If they are angry, which is most of the time, they often refuse to let the father see the child.

Some take it to a whole new level by letting another man have control over the children. Many a father trying to exercise their rights has had the door slammed in their faces by insolent boyfriends or new husbands who hate them simply because the mother hates them. Then those same boyfriends and new husbands beat up on the children physically, mentally, emotionally, or even worse, but far more frequent than anyone would like to admit, sexually.

Many women feel, "Well, if he hadn't messed up he wouldn't be in this situation," thus justifying their failures as mothers who allow such treatment to befall their children. Many mothers know full well what is happening to their children and still turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the pleas of the children to save them from the monster that lives within the walls of their homes.

These spiteful, hateful women carry these sentiments long after their children have reached adulthood, and many refuse to ever come clean. The children are saddled with an unbearable load for the rest of their lives, many end up in lascivious lifestyles, and some commit suicide because they can't stand to live with their shame any longer. In truth, it is the mother's shame they carry, but the mother is too much of a coward to own up to what she has done, so the child ends up being the pack mule.

It breaks my heart to hear the stories of these children who survive when they end up on Dr. Phil or Oprah, but what incenses me more is that the mothers themselves crying as if they were the ones molested or beaten. In fairness, many women are beaten and abused by their partners, but they as adults DO HAVE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE! The children don't. If the mother does not have the guts to leave, then the children should be sent to live with the father, then she can stay there and allow her boyfriend or husband to beat her brains out if she chooses. But to subject the children to such treatment is unforgivable. It is her choice, after all, for a woman to stay with someone who is abusing her. She can leave but the old idea of "if it ain't him it would be someone else" seems to win out. She could also give send her kids away to live with their father (s), but then she would be giving up the child support.

True, many women don't get child support, but that is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship, or keep your children in an abusive relationship so they can see their mother being beaten almost to death or they themselves being destroyed.

When fathers are reduced to the level of a monthly check and bi-weekly visitation then they are no longer fathers but mere robots who follow orders, court orders. This must stop. Men must not rest until parity under the law is achieved and the glaring disparity that now exists is dispelled. Our children need us and they deserve no less. "Please don't miss this train at the station. 'Cause if you miss it I feel sorry, sorry for you…" And your children.

© May 2006 By Afromerica

Brother Dan Hardman will be keeping the Black community informed on issues concerning the church and righteous living. Visit regularly for new information that could help you overcome and make the best of your everyday experiences.

To subscribe to Hardman's column join the Afromerica email list to receive new information as it is updated. Or E-mail D Hardman at: essaysfromchurch@edincorporated.com

Submit an article
Join the Mailing List
Join a Discussion

Afromerica: Where its all Black & white and some gray areas.

[TOP]     [BACK TO COLUMN]